


All day, I think

by MissRaichyl



Series: Love Story [18]
Category: Glee
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Being Lost, Chance Meetings, F/M, Future AU, Future Fic, Stage Actor, movie actor, musical actor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2019-07-14 12:26:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16040459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissRaichyl/pseuds/MissRaichyl
Summary: I won’t mess with fate. If it feels like a door is closing on me and sealing itself so it can never be opened, there must be a reason. I don't want it to seal, but there's no possible way to stop it. If I tried now, would he trust me?





	1. Rachel

It doesn't matter really how it began I guess. It was a simple Wednesday in a music store in Akron, Ohio. It began with a song about love and it ended in dust and eggs. It ended with a bitter feeling in my stomach and a dread of anything Lionel Richie. It left me with an open vulnerability, but luckily I had Finn to care for me and comfort me when I had no one. Then we started again- it was with a song of betrayal and ended with a forbidden kiss. I guess we were just not meant to be because then I only saw him once more before I left Ohio for college and haven't seen or heard from him since… but I guess there is a reason for that. I ended up engaged with no sign of looking back and then tragedy struck and Finn and that future was ripped from me as Funny Girl and Graduation was laid in my lap, not without the dutiful rehearsals of my auditions pieces and the return of my mother. She was the one who told me why Jesse had disappeared, why he ultimately gave me up, even after Finn was gone.

* * *

Shelby and I were sitting on the veranda of her country club watching Beth try to open Shelby’s compact with her tiny fingers. My role as Fanny was over, the contract up, and I wanted to start my search for other roles but looking at Shelby brings Jesse to my mind and I can’t stop the question from finally dropping from my tongue.

“Mom?” She emitted a humming sound of recognition, her fork dancing around Beth’s pancakes, cutting them in tiny pieces, "Do you still talk to Jesse?" She looks up at me quizzically, trying to find the motive behind the questions and satisfied, she smiles her ‘mom’ smile and answers.

"I just talked to him earlier today," I see the unasked questions in her mind's eye and know the next words out of her mouth, "Why? Do you want to talk to him?" I force a laugh and shake my head, my hands going to fix Beth’s ponytail as she attacks her pancakes, trying to distract Shelby as I sort out a response.

"No. I just wanted to know if he was okay." She relaxes her features and smiles, probably thinking back to Finn and using that as a reason to my questions. It’s been over two years now… but I guess if it works.

"He doing well—he recently got a script handed to him, a main role for once.” Ah, the acting life opposite of the stage. I had seen him in tabloids here and there, but I never read them. I didn’t want to know.

Shelby cleans the chocolate war paint from Beth’s face, “He’s engaged, you know?” She tells me absently, but we both know it’s a bomb. “They haven’t released it to the press yet though, with him finally getting bigger roles.” She smiles at Beth and gives me time to compose myself. “I think it's to this girl he met back in college . . . Lizzie, I think? They got engaged around the time you graduated from college, so it’s been a year or so.” I nod and take a bit of my toast so I can’t reply. I don’t trust myself right now. “He called me to tell me that they finally set a date,” I nod again. All words have left my brain. I didn’t even know if I could form a response. I feel dread well up inside me. It’s selfish of me to want him to hold on for me when I have done nothing but leave him in the dust again and again. To hear that he really did move on, to be engaged with someone I never met, though we didn’t become friends, we left each other only with memories because friends didn’t work. But I don't like it. I don't like that he found someone else... but isn't that what I did? Maybe I am still lost after Finn but Jesse had always been in the aftermath, was always waiting. Maybe he didn't feel like waiting anymore.

I force a smile toward Shelby, grabbing for the check at the edge of the table, "That's good news!" I hide my discomfort from her but not from myself. Only bitterness lingers around me. 

I don't want him to get married.

* * *

Two months pass and his wedding date draws nearer. Shelby says that Lizzie wanted the invitations to go out as fast as possible so the date won’t change because of Jesse's new schedule.

I look at the invitation, lying on the coffee table and I hate it. The off-white invitation, circled with lace, with the black lettering, inviting Shelby and a plus one is proof that Jesse is leaving my life and he won’t be coming back. The thing is tacky and stuck up, the lettering is off, and completely out of balance. Everything about it is wrong.

“Mom,” I ask, “has Jesse asked about me?” I look up and she walks toward me, taking the invite out of my sight and sitting down next to me, wrapping her arm around me. I lost any right to feel anything for him and you know, maybe in another life, if we had met differently and I had the opportunity to not be held back by my high school fantasies, maybe then I wouldn’t be stuck watching the only guy I could love marry someone else.

“Of course he has, Rachel.” She has a mother-like effect that she lacked back then and I can only attribute that to Beth. Thankfully, she found me again, too. “He asked about you after Finn died, if you were okay. He asked me to send a video when you took on Fanny…” She leads away from the topic, pulling back slightly to look at me, “Why? Do you want to go to the wedding?” That didn’t even occur to me to go there. Why would I? To object and be made a fool out of? I was someone in New York, a celebrated Stage Actress and he was someone in California, a newbie actor getting his break. He's to be married right after my opening night.

I won’t mess with fate. If it feels like a door is closing on me and sealing itself so it can never be opened, there must be a reason. I don't want it to seal, but there's no possible way to stop it. If I tried now, would he trust me? No, he'd feel like a replacement for Finn. He'd see my kiss as a brush from the past. “No, I just was curious.” I say, leaving it behind, and stand up, grabbing my bag. “I have to go to rehearsal now.”

I live in a world of regret. I didn't move too soon for this or I left something hanging for too long and lost it. I moved too quickly for one thing and lost something else while letting so many other possibilities slide by and now? Now, I stand on a stage, living my dream while feeling so utterly and terribly lost.

I feel lost in this world.

* * *

A week until he’s married. A week until my opening stage.

Shelby has decided not to attend, as my opening night is one night before and it wouldn't be possible to make them both. I feel bad though, as if I'm stealing something from him. She was my mom but his esteemed instructor. I tell her to go, that I'll have many opening nights but he'll only have one wedding but she says her daughter is more important and I can’t help but cry when she says at that. At least we didn’t miss each other again.

The company decides to hold a ‘test stage’, because it’s a new play that has never ran before. All the actors: myself, my leading man, the background actors go out and hand out free passes until they’re all gone, almost like busking; but with my name on the ticket, it doesn’t take long before all 600 are taken and we get to go home. They come and sit and watch and we see how they react. It's all about testing the reactions to know what to fix or to drop- it all really depends on the outcome but with no bias. The test ends nicely and from my end, the show went without a hitch. Everything landed exactly the right way.

I leave smiling, forgetting Jesse on my mind for a moment. I tell myself that it is alright not to have a significant other to share in this amazing opportunity and that it is alright to feel lost. I was only starting out and I was lucky to have what I have. I was amazing on stage and off and had all the proof to prove it! I was Rachel Berry and I was special and it was okay to feel lost and as if you didn't have all the pieces. People feel like that sometimes. 

And maybe it's not our fate to meet again.

* * *

It's tonight.

The curtain closes, separating us from the watchers, the applause still radiating as we all break away and head for our dressing rooms. My co-lead pats me on the back and I bow my head to everyone, giving out thanks and good words like candy. It was only our first show and we had a long run ahead of us.

I rush to my dressing room, ready to shed the skin of my role and return to Rachel Berry. In the mirror, the make-up off, my hair down, my brown eyes shining, and I can't help but start to cry. I have everything I've ever began to want but I'm losing something tonight as well. A random sob rears its ugly head and I feel as if my breath is being stolen from me. I back away from the mirror and place my hand over my heart, feeling the sad fluttering in my chest as I try to grasp for some type of composure, try to get a hold on reality.

A knock on the door, a call for the actors to go meet the waiting masses. I wipe away the few tears that had escaped and grab my bag and jacket, ready to go.

I feel it now, the hole. First, Finn left it inside of me, and now Jesse. It will always be there, I know that, but now I have the chance to ignore it or at least push it away. Focus on the success of the night and meet that head-on. I take in another breath and place both hands on the door and shove it open as it emits a creaky screech. Flashes go off around us and we sign the pamphlets and tickets and whatever else is thrust in front of us. It takes awhile but the mass is goes away and I deny the congratulatory drink offers from the cast, wanting to go home and play with Beth and celebrate with Shelby instead, who had already headed home, as Beth had gotten a bit cranky through the last half-- I was shocked she lasted that long.

A scatter of random people stand around waiting for rides and a few smile and wave and congratulate me. A bus pulls up and few people get off while more than half the crowd gets on. Seeing that, I decide to walk it because it really isn't that far to the subway and I don't feel like standing on that crowded bus tonight. 

The bus pulls away and I look both ways, making sure traffic was thin and then run across, hurrying through the slushy road to the other side to safety.

At the last second, my foot slips though. My shoes didn't have enough traction and I go down, awaiting impact but a strong hand catches my arm, and my body exhales a rush of air as the anxiety fades. My knee is saved from shattering and tomorrow's stage saved. I gather my balance and look into the eyes of a random stranger that saved me, feeling like the wind was knocked out of me and I feel like I've fallen after all. 

"Heard you up there." His hand brushes a few stray hairs back into position, "Great- no, _perfect_ performance." The chilly wind blows through me, who has become see-through.

"Jesse,"


	2. Jesse

“What is she doing now a days?” I ask Shelby over the phone, my stylist working around me in an annoyed huff as I refused to hang up.

“You know what she’s doing, throwing herself into her auditions,” Shelby laughs over the line, I can hear Beth in the background, throwing something around.

I nod along, “like that will be hard- she was amazing as Fanny.”  

I hear her hum in agreement; Rachel was amazing on the stage. He wished he could have seen her on it in person, but things had been so hectic here. “How’s Lizzie and the movie deal?” 

What else can I do but shrug. “Lizzie is fine- nothing new.” It’s true, Lizzie was fine but lately something felt off. 

“Trouble in paradise?” I wonder how she got to be so mom-like. I’m pretty sure I talk to her more than my own mom and yet, she shares nothing with me other than our connection to Rachel.

I hurry to deny it, “No, of course not, she’s just… she’s trying to move up the wedding date again.” I break and tell her. 

She’s quiet for a moment and then asks: “Is that a bad thing?” 

“Yes,” I say automatically, “no,” I follow with. “I don’t know.” I end up saying. Sure, Lizzie was amazing. She was patient and lively, always bringing a bright sun into my life every morning. She never minded me being out late for shoots and the fact that I had to meet producers at odd hours, but something wasn’t there, something didn’t click but I didn’t know what was gone. Some days it was enough just to hold her but other days I just needed to avoid her. And now, she’s pissy at me for talking to Shleby, asking me what’s wrong with speaking to my own mother.

“Should’ve said no when you had the chance,” Shelby joked across the line and I laugh with her, remembering the lunch date where Lizzie had asked me to take the next step and I had agreed. It was always a little strange knowing that I hadn’t been the one to propose, that my girlfriend had but I don’t think I would change it. 

If things were different, had things not gone the way they had, maybe I would’ve proposed to my girlfriend,  _ if _ she was someone else. But that boat had sailed away with time. “Mom!” I hear on the other side, “Mom, I’m home!” My pulse quickens on it’s own, hearing her voice. It’s an injustice the effect she has on me, even across the country. I hate that tugging, wanting her to say something else.

“I have to go, Jesse.” Shelby says quickly, “I’ll call you back.” The line clicks and Rachel is once more a thousand miles away.

* * *

Two months have passed since we set the final date and Lizzie sits across from me. Her blonde hair like that of her father’s, her green eyes her mother’s. She was a beauty in everyone’s eyes and by her smile you would think nothing was wrong, that we didn’t have the biggest fight of our relationship on the way here. “How are you parents?” Lizzie’s father asks me as we sit at dinner in their house. 

I nod as I take a bite of the roasted chicken. I didn’t care much for meat but Lizzie insisted I eat it so as to not offend her family. I had two siblings whom she has yet to meet, but I’ve met hers. Her two younger brothers were willy and smart-mouthed twins. Always asking to get in trouble. She also had an older sister but they didn’t talk much about her as she had married someone her parents didn’t approve of. “They’re well,” I respond finally swallowing, chasing it with the wine. 

“And your aunt in New York?” He asks and I look at him in question, “Lizzie says you’re always on the phone with your aunt, always asking away about your cousins as well.” I look toward Lizzie, a smirk playing on her lips. I wonder if this is supposed to be a game, a way to trap me in something. “It’s good to know you’re a fami-”

“That’s actually my old choir instructor, not my aunt, Sir.” I interrupt him, watching Lizzie as I do so. “As for my ‘cousins’, those are her daughters, one being an old friend of mine.” I finish, take a bite of the green beans. 

“Oh? Anyone we know?” Her mother cuts in, as I look toward her, away from my girlfriend. 

“Maybe, Rachel Berry is an up-and-coming musical actress,” I watch as she searches her mind for the name but know that she wouldn’t know her for a few more years, at least. I look back toward Lizzie, knowing now her reason was to expose me. Catch me in some lie she had concocted. 

.

As we move into the family room after dinner for some more chatting and maybe a movie, Lizzie corners me. “I don’t want to fight, Liz,” I tell her, looking her dead in the eyes, “not here.” I try to move past her but she catches my arm, willing me to stay.

“I don’t want to fight either, but I know you were watching her show again,” She says to me and I look away, unable to meet her suddenly. “I heard it, last night, and went to go see what you were watching, maybe sit with you but you were glued to it.” She explains. 

“It was a moment of weakness okay? I heard her voice on the phone and I just…” My words fail me for a moment and I look at Lizzie, resting my hand over hers, “Listen, I love  _ you _ , okay? Not her. She’s a memory and I just checking up on her, that’s all.” I press a quick kiss to her lips, hoping she believed me ‘cause I sure didn’t.

* * *

“You’ll never guess what happened!” Lizzie tells me excitedly, flipping through a wedding magazine. A week away from the wedding and she’s still planning.

I put my keys into the bowl and shrug off my jacket, rolling neck to make the stress disappear. “What happened?” I ask absently.

She goes into a story of her day at the office, a planning company for almost anything. A party for a dog, got it. A meeting for clients, no problem. A wedding that didn’t quite get hearts going, fixed. Lizzie was a manager, pretty high up; she had gone to college for business and graduated with honors. It was a surprise she chose me who had flunked out but I did go back, re-enrolled and actually applied myself. Rachel didn’t really care that I had failed out, was even excited at my business ideas… did she know I went back and graduated? Would she be upset she didn’t get to come to my graduation? That she didn’t know?

“Can you believe it, Jesse?” She asks, her tone over the moon, her face in front of mine, eyes wide and looking for something in mine. Her expression crashes when she finds nothing but confusion. “Were you listening?” She asks me and all I can do is continue to stare back.

“Sorry,” I say, grabbing for her hand, “Tell me again.” I ask of her and all I’m met with is her glare.

“Why didn’t you listen in the first place, then.” She removes her hands from mine, turning away to only turn back, “Were you thinking of her just now?” She asks, her voice more venomous then I had ever heard it. “The Berry girl, the musical star wannabe,” her eyes are narrow slits, but I’m stuck on the last word out of her mouth.

“Don’t call her that.” I say pointedly, digging myself into a hole I don’t know if I wanna be in. I shouldn’t be fighting for Rachel, I shouldn’t be fighting the woman I was tying my life to.

She laughs without humor, a huff and a glare, “I’m telling you this amazing news and you’re stuck in your day-dreams of her?” She yells out, lashing towards me. “You know, the closer we get to our wedding, the more I feel like I’m losing you.” She turns from me, hiding her eyes which must be holding tears and my heart pains for her, but I can’t step forward again. I can’t move toward her. “You’re stuck on her, aren’t you?” She asks me and I can’t answer. I don’t know the answer. “Why did you agree to marry me? Can you answer that at least?” She turns back toward me, semi-composed. 

“You asked me to.” I give her my honest response as I leaned against the counter, my fingers curling around the edge of the hard granite. I look straight at her wanting to give her something, anything. “I...  Rachel is a what-if for me, Liz.” I tell her. “I thought that I could leave her like that but the more I’m with you, the more I lose her and,” I stop, shaking my head. “I think that I need to go.” 

“I think you should.” She responds, “Go to New York and don’t leave until you have her.” My eyes flash up at her, surprised. “I made up my mind to kick you out since you agreed to marry me since I asked,” her dry tone and eye roll lets me know that if I leave, there will be no coming back.

“I do love you, Liz,” I try but my body wants to rush to the airport, run to Rachel in a heartbeat of time. 

She walks up to me, her hand coming to rest against my cheek, my eyes searching hers for anything that would come back to bite me. “I love you more.” She says simply, before nodding to the bedroom. “Go pack. I’ll mail the rest of your stuff when you get an address.” I put my hand over hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze before moving her away and rushing to the bedroom.

* * *

Shelby lectures me over the phone as I rush through the airport to my gate. “What do you mean you’re coming here?” She starts again, trying to make sense of my new situation. “Have you told Rachel?” 

“No,” I say firmly, finally locking in on my flight gate and sprinting the last couple of steps, “and you aren’t allowed to tell her either,” I warn her. I already had it planned. How I would be waiting outside her show, that we’d lock eyes, and I would tell her that it was always her. But I couldn’t do that if Shelby spoils everything.

“Jesse, you can’t-” I cut her off.

“Shelby, I helped you dupe your own daughter for almost a semester,” I use against her, “you can give me two nights.” 

Silence hangs between us for a good, steady moment and then she sighs and I know I won. “That’s uncalled for, St. James.” She replies with and I can’t help the chuckle that slips out.

“So you’ll do it?” 

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” I know it a rhetorical question. She’s giving me this chance and if I blow it, she’ll skin me alive.

“Thanks, Shelby. I’ll text you when I land.” 

“You better.”

* * *

I see her in the swarm of fans. Some probably already starting to track her from Fanny while others are newbies, exposed to her voice, unable to resist its charm. Just like I was but I don’t mind it. I’m done fighting it, putting it to the back of my mind, looking for a distraction from her. I can be honest with myself, especially watching her now. Her brown hair swirling around her in the wind, her cheeks kissed by the bitter cold and red like berries, the smile radiating warmth a thousand times warmer than any sun.Lizzie was right. I was stuck on Rachel but in the best of ways. Lizzie was right. I was stuck on Rachel but in the best of ways. 

I stayed away after Finn had passed because I didn’t want her to choose me out of boredom, like a crutch and then I was scared she’d turn me away because I wasn’t there when she needed someone. I was scared and it pushed me away from her, so much I was scared to contact her. College got busy and I used that as an excuse, there was never enough time. Instead I sought out Shelby under the pretense of acting tips and contract negotiation tips. She saw through it eventually and then Lizzie came into my life and I thought she could break this spell and she did, until it became serious and as that clock started ticking, I started wondering about Rachel more. 

I watch her walk away from the fans as they finally disperse, her coworkers walking away and she stands and watches them off. 

I couldn’t let her go. I never could. 

I watch her cross the road and I see it before it happens; my body moves ahead of me, reaching my hand out as grasping her arm, giving her my strength to not crash on the pavement as her foot slips. I hear her release an intake of breath and I watch as she steadies, waiting for her to look up and see me. 

And she does, her doe eyes going wide, her brown eyes warm like chocolate even in this bitter, cold weather.  "Heard you up there," I say lamely, my hand moving like it’s natural, tucking her hair behind her ear, resting there. " ~~ Great ~~ \- no,  _ perfect _ performance.” I can’t move as she stares at me, I can’t even pull back my smile. I’m sure that if she turned me away, I’d still be grateful that I at least got to say this. 

“Jesse,” she breathes out and I nod, letting my hand drop and probably looking at her like she was the world. 

She rushes to me, her arms winding themselves around my waist and I don’t hesitate to hug her back. It was the fastest I had ever seen her move. It was the warmest hug I had ever received and I’m pretty sure it was -10 degrees out. “I missed you,” I say into her hair, running my hand through it. 

“You sure took your time.” It’s muffled against my jacket and I laugh, I can’t help it and I wrap my arms around her tighter. 

“I know,” I say, “and I’ll explain it all.” I pull back a bit, wanting to look at her. She’s smiling up at me, and I melt right there.

She takes a breath and I expect her to give it to me right there but instead she just asks: “You’re not married?” and I shake my head, answering her question. 

“I couldn’t.” I try to explain, but all I can do is run my thumb across her temple, looking her over again and again. She seems to understand and pulls away fully, before locking her hand with mine.

“So you can’t runaway.” She teases and pulls me along with her toward the subway.  I let her lead- I’d follow her anywhere.   
  



End file.
